Regretfully Indifferent

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Aryan Bear


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Could this mean good things for the future of LS? God I hope so...

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Evanescence Co-Founder Ben Moody Leaves Band During Tour

Early last month, Evanescence headed for Lisbon, Portugal, with spirits soaring. They were stoked about their successful European tour and excited to shoot a video for "My Immortal" in Barcelona on October 10. About two weeks later the bubble burst.

On the morning of an October 24 show in Berlin, guitarist and songwriter Ben Moody packed up his gear and flew home, the band's manager said without giving a reason for the departure. Moody co-founded the band with singer Amy Lee in the late '90s.

Shortly after Moody split, Lee told the British magazine Rock Sound, "You don't do that to your band. You wouldn't do that to your friends or your family. You don't do that to anyone."

Moody's future with Evanescence is unclear, their manager said, and the band has continued its tour with second guitarist John LeCompt handling all six-string duties.

It wasn't the first time this year Moody had problems in Deutschland. In June the group canceled a string of German shows because the guitarist fell ill. Lee first spoke about Moody's departure at a concert last week in Manchester, England. "Ben flew home, but we didn't want to let it cancel the tour again," she said, according to Rock Sound.

Evanescence's European tour runs through November 10 in London. The band will launch a North American tour on November 19 in Mexico City. Dates run through December 14 in Mississauga, Ontario. Three weeks later, the band will begin a tour of New Zealand, Australia and Japan.

I stole this from a random site. I hear this all night every night...

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Songs of Kmart: The Power of Repetition

At first you hardly notice. The songs aren't all that bad; or so it seems. The first day is a pleasant medley of music. Sure, they may have played two horrendous songs by Boston, but at least they only played one of Barbara Striesand's. Day two: Another pleasant medley of music. If the listener is sharp enough, he will notice that these are the same songs as yesterday. No matter, they can't do this EVERY day, can they? CAN THEY???

Well, according to the Bill of Rights, the suckers CAN. And they DO. Of course, they like to mix it up every now and again. One week they'll go on a Rod Stewart kick, the next will be dedicated to Roy Orbison. How do these 'Dedication Weeks' work, the eternal reader asks the Punk God? Quite simple, actually. The lower denizens of Kmart pull out the greatest hits album of the said 'artist'. The Kmart person hits 'Play'. The Kmart person hits 'Repeat'. The Kmart person goes home, leaving the rest of us locked onto "Pretty Woman" for the rest of the week. My highest personal count of one song in an eight hour shift is five, set by "TLC" by some unknown country band. "I need TLC ASAP!" I will never cleanse myself of those terrible lyrics.

There are two types of Kmart workers. Those that live with the music, and those that fight it to the bitter, blood-drooling end. My best defense was to hum some catchy Nirvana melody for 8 solid hours, but I also found hiding in the bathroom, where one could turn OFF the speaker via the lil' knob, to be even better, although temporary. And did it ever make coming out of the bathroom a painful experience!

My sources have told me that other stores simply lock onto the local crap radio station. Kmart was far more brutal in its torture. Kmart has been practicing its craft for almost a century; it knows exactly how to get inside the mind of its slaves and spoon out the innards. Kmart has its OWN radio network. THE KMART RADIO NETWORK, as the annoying announcer liked to announce.

One day, they played a song by the Monkees. I was in heaven, such a song was bliss after the tortures I had felt. But then I truly understood the EVIL that runs through Kmart. Directly after the drab melodious tune, BARBARA STRIESAND assaulted my ears. Blood- real, sticky, red, goddamn blood- began to pour from my ears. They say the Rack is bad. Bah. They say the Chinese Water Torture is a killer. Feh. They say that the thing in the Princess Bride is the worst of all. They know nothing. Kmart has found the secret to torture, and they use it wisely- to brainwash, to corrupt, to rule the world.